Healing & Breaking….
I’ve been thinking a lot about what this means
To heal and to break
A few months ago I had a dream about my biological mother and my little sister. The dream was an actual memory of a situation that happened, and how it played out wasn’t good.
My mother introduced me to physical abuse at a very young age, and it’s not something you can just “forgive & forget.” There’s loads of unlearning that need untangling.
There are loads of lies that I believed about myself…that I was somehow damaged goods…that I didn’t deserve good things in my life….
I wish it was just as simple to drop the baggage ,and I believe I did at one point in time
Then it just kind of came back…
It took me a minute to actually understand that healing isn’t linear, it’s not about golden rainbows and happiness shooting out of your ass all the time.
That may be a part of the healing, but healing mostly looks like you laying on the floor and crying
And doing A LOT of that…
And writing, and crying some more…
A friend of mine told me that healing is messy and she was right
it’s so damn messy…
Healing requires vulnerability and vulnerability is painful ,and breaking requires feeling your emotions and that is perfectly okay.
Allow yourself to break and give yourself some grace when breaking. Allow yourself to feel the things you’ve avoided feeling.
It’s okay to break, and it is okay to heal.
Hey beautiful people hope you all are doing well.
So I want to talk to y’all about something that happened a few years ago, looking back it was kind of dumb to freak out about but it was what I was going through at the time.
So a few years ago, I nearly had a breakdown due to me not being able to write or create anything for weeks possibly even a month.
Silly I know…
Why would I have an almost breakdown just because I couldn’t produce any new piece of writing?
I guess the reason for that was I was so used to writing practically everyday or every other day. I put so much of myself into my writing, it became my identity.
I remember sitting on the floor with my back against my bed and just so down a pit of despair, and then having the thought that maybe I’m as only as good as my last thing I wrote.
Y’all that was probably one of the most terrifying thoughts I’d ever had…
So what I nearly had a breakdown or something, its not like its the end of the world if I don’t produce any new writing within ten seconds of eachother.
Like I said, I made writing for my blog my identity, an idol. The fact that I wasn’t able to produce anything was scary as hell, I put so much of myself in my blog, into my writings, I worshipped writing.
I think the two things I forget to do is:
1. Take time away, come back to it later, you don’t want to force the creativity, let it flow naturally.
2. The other thing is to just breathe, just breathe, it’s okay to take a break, it’s okay to give things time.
It’s crazy because I don’t freak out as much as I used to about not producing anything, I still have my moments at times though, I’m a work in progress just like anyone else.
What’s the biggest takeaway that I’ve learned when it comes to social media and validation?
I’ve learned that social media will never be able to fix me. It won’t bring me ultimate joy, and it definitely won’t validate me as a person.
For so long I’ve always struggled with seeking validation, how I would go about it would be very sneaky, I would put myself down or tell others my songs or poetry isn’t that good compared to others.
Another thing is I’ve posting A LOT as of late, like 3 to maybe 4 posts a day. This is currently something I’ve realized about me…well really I’ve noticed this for awhile just really didn’t want to admit to myself I actually might be an Instagram addict.
In short, my idol is Instagram…
No shocker there…
I think in my case I feel like I fall under the FOMO category, fear of missing out. I’ve had this really gnarly habit of checking Instagram whenever I’m bored, and when one is bored, dangerous habits can take form and then take over your life.
Someone I interact with on Instagram said that we need to be willing to check in with ourselves before going to the screens, and I too believe that as well, its a matter of putting that into practice that makes it hard.
I heard this song from a band called ‘The Boxer Rebellion’ they have a song called “Love Yourself” and social media isn’t gonna make us love ourselves any more or any less.
Yes social media can be a great thing, in moderation, but it can unfortunately be like a drug if we aren’t careful.
Hey beautiful people, I hope you all are doing well.
So as some of you know, I write, I write songs, I write poems, and for a couple years I had another blog called ‘APLTF’ (A Poet Learning to Forgive.) I decommissioned that blog because I was writing everyday but after awhile I couldn’t come up with anything.
I have kind of loved ,and hated writing. I hate having to write if I have to, I hate having deadlines on when something should come out, I don’t like the pressure I feel that I NEED to put out something. As I’ve said before I hate forced creativity.
I just feel its way too inauthentic if I try to get something out there or force it. Its not sincere, and for a long time I feel I’ve been in a place or season where I’ve found myself force creating songs, poems etc for creativity’s sake. For from the heart.
Its a terrifying thought for me…
Writing is a struggle, its hard to explain the things I want to get across, its a struggle, yet I enjoy the struggle, the uphill battle.
Writing is a beautiful struggle…
What I’m currently learning as a creative and as a person that I NEED, ABSOLUTELY NEED to be patient in the process.